Moving On

Dear Conrad,

From February 16th to March 16th was a very stressful time in your life. Daddy's big Master's recital was rapidly approaching. The weather was making up for the lack of snow in December and January by overdoing it in February and the beginning of March. Then jobs for the next school year started popping up, and we had to jump on those quickly.

As much as I loved (and still love) Columbia, we were ready to be back home in Arkansas. We had a lot of big ideas about where we were going to settle down and where you would be raised.

Several months later, I can now say that none of it turned out like what we thought it should, but we are satisfied with how it did turn out.

My Favorite Photo: 4th Month

Dear Conrad,

This picture isn't really anything special. It's a little blurry, and a bit yellow. It was taken at the Applebee's in Columbia after we had come back from Arkansas. But it's special to me.

Whenever we went out to eat when you were this small, Daddy would take you out and hold you. You always liked sitting at the table with us. If we tried to keep you in your car seat, you would start to cry because you wanted to be part of whatever we were doing. While we were holding you, you would just take in everything. You never cried when we were eating out when you were this small (unless you were hungry, but we were always prepared and were able to stop the crying quickly.)

This picture also reminds me just how much your daddy loves you. Whenever he came home from school, one of the first things he wanted to do was hold you. You were his special little buddy.

We Love You, Conrad

Dear Conrad,

We came back to Missouri from Arkansas in January, but only for a few days before we rushed back to our family and friends. It was extremely cold in Columbia. Your daddy had been practicing at the university to get ready for his recital, and as we were leaving we ran into one of his friends who was getting his master's in choral conducting. He was one of those guys who is totally into choir music literature and Broadway literature. When we introduced him to you, he said, "Oh, like Conrad Birdie?" Neither of us had seen Bye Bye Birdie, so he told us "There's this little song that the chorus sings, and it goes something like ... oh, how does it go ... 'We love you Conrad, oh yes we do, we don't ... hmm ... something something, when you're not with us, we're blue, oh Conrad we love you.'"

When we got back home I looked on YouTube to find the song so I could learn it. Unfortunately, the only ones online are from high school performances, so the audio quality isn't that great, but at the time it was enough to teach your dad and me the melody. We ended up changing one of the lines on accident, but we think it sounds better our way.

We love you Conrad, oh yes we do,
We don't love anyone as much as you,
When you're not with us, we're blue,
Oh Conrad we love you.

And that's been your song ever since.

My Favorite Photo: 3rd Month

Dear Conrad,

I have two photos for you this time.

The first one is of you and Jeff. It was taken just before we went back to Columbia after the Thanksgiving festivities. He still loves holding you and playing with you, and as you've gotten older he's become less afraid that he's going to break you. You guys look so sweet together. I hope he continues to be a part of your life, because he's a fantastic role model.

The second one is with you and your mustache pacifier. It was a Christmas present from Aunt Ginny. It was my absolute favorite pacifier because it made you look like a tiny little gentleman. Plus, mustaches are cool.

Something I Hope I Never Deal With

Dear Conrad,

When you're older, you're going to become more aware of what kind of evils are in the world. Someday you'll learn about Jonesboro and Columbine ... and now Newtown.

It was hard not to look away from the television while things were breaking (and a lot of it was bad information for the first few hours.) Many people cared more about the newest update than about the grieving community, which is just our nature I suppose. In the time that followed, everyone screamed at each other over whether or not we should have guns. We were mad - more mad than usual. And we should have been angry, because the deaths of 20 innocent children is something worth being angry for, but we were angry at the wrong things. Angry at our neighbors who owned guns. Angry at our neighbors who didn't own guns. That kind of anger doesn't fix anything.

We hugged our babies extra tight that night and in the nights that followed. Christmas was a little over a week away, and it felt like we had been robbed of the joy of the season. It was hard to think about your own celebrations when the television kept reminding you that there were families who would be having funerals instead of having Christmas dinner.

What bothers me most is that we will never truly know why Adam Lanza did what he did. What possessed him to go to the school and wreak such havoc on his community? Sometimes I hope that, when I die, I gain the answers to these unanswerable questions.

Other times I'm sure I don't really want to know the answers at all.

The Holiday Hustle and Bustle

Dear Conrad,

Christmas is such a busy time, so the time between your second and third month of life is like one big blur.

Taking care of you was really difficult during this time because suddenly my back revolted against me. When I would bend over to pick you up (and especially when I bent over to put you in your cradle) I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't cry out in pain. It was awful ... like being in labor all over again, but the pain was constant instead of wave-like.

You were a such a serious newborn. The few times we had seen Ryker he was all smiles (when he wasn't crying) which made you look extra-surly, but you started giving us little grins from time to time by this point.

We gave you the unfortunate-but-hilarious nickname of "Toots McGee" around this time. You were pretty gassy to begin with, but particularly when you'd stretch you'd pass gas loudly. That'll probably clear up ... eventually.

A Brassy Christmas

Dear Conrad,

Your first concert was a Christmas concert put on by the various brass ensembles of Mizzou.

The  uniform for the event was an "ugly Christmas sweater" and slacks. I created ugly sweaters for both of the Christmas concerts your dad performed in while he was getting his master's. This is was 2012's looked like:

He was always so proud of his ugly sweaters.

Of course, I gave you mismatched socks for the event. It was only fitting.

You sat through the entire concert so patiently. You were such a quiet newborn. And still pretty tiny too.

I miss the beautiful churches that were in Columbia. Someday, when you can remember them, I hope I can bring you back to this wonderful city. It was the best place I ever lived.