The next morning, we had to wake up early for a visit with a pediatrician. Your daddy and I were pretty exhausted from the night before (I think I only slept for two solid hours.) This doctor that we would see wasn't your normal doctor - your doctor was out of town, but since you were losing so much weight and you were so yellow, she wanted someone to see you. So we went, in our exhausted and frazzled state.
Of course, even though your doctor promised that she'd make the appointment for us, something happened and the pediatric office wasn't expecting us. The young receptionist wasn't making things any easier, giving me dirty looks whenever I got confused by what she was asking. I did not look forward to dealing with her for subsequent visits.
The doctor was an older woman, and very plainly told me that I wasn't giving you enough nourishment since you were so much smaller now than you were. She insisted that we supplement our nursing sessions with formula, and I cried a little. She might as well have just told me I was already a failure as a mother. I reluctantly let your dad give you another bottle of formula from the hospital - I never gave you those myself, because that felt like I was betraying myself. They also made you get some blood drawn after the appointment, but you know what? You didn't cry at all when they stuck those needles in your tiny feet. My brave boy.
Poppy and Gigi came by one last time to see you after the appointment. Your dad hurried off to his brass quintet rehearsal, so I let them watch you while I rested for an hour. Then they had to go. Your daddy still wasn't back, and I was about to be alone with you. I couldn't help but start crying again. Not only was I going to be alone with you, who I was a little afraid of at this point, but my parents were leaving and I felt like it would be a long time before I saw them again.
Baby blues are a strange thing, my boy. They make you think ridiculous things sometimes. I want you to understand while reading this that I do love you, and I did love you then too, even though my emotions were trying their hardest to get the best of me. Becoming your mother was really tough initially, but so very worth it.
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