Surprise! Nana's Visit.

Dear Conrad,

After Poppy and Gigi left and your dad came back from rehearsal, there wasn't much time to ourselves before Nana and Papa came to visit you. Nana had a surprise for us: After Papa left the next day, she was going to stay with us for an entire week!

From your first outing (besides leaving the hospital), October 20th, 2012. We were eating at a pub called Flat Branch in Columbia, Missouri, with Nana and Papa. You still look pretty jaundiced here, but it was starting to get better. I knitted the pumpkin hat for you just before you were born.

It was ... awkward, to say the least. I appreciated having her there when, at 7 o'clock in the morning, you had woken for the umpteenth time and I could really, really use an hour of deep sleep before I had to take your dad to class. I was still taking my pain pills from the surgery, and moving was very difficult. However, Nana wasn't able to help me clean the apartment or drive your dad to class (both things I was not supposed to be doing while I was on medication) so I had to continue doing them on my own.

Having Nana there also made it difficult to nurse or pump milk for you, since she could just whip up a bottle of formula for you without bothering anyone. I started to think that everyone was trying to sabotage my nursing efforts, and it made me angry.

One week old here. Boone Hospital (where you were born) provided all the babies with a swaddling wrap. You didn't hate the swaddle like some babies, but you would wriggle in them until you could get an arm loose.
I had just changed you, and you were staring out the window in this picture. You loved seeing and being outdoors as a baby.

The day you turned one week old, a nurse provided by Medicaid came out to see you. She weighed you and performed a basic check-up. I was ecstatic to hear that not only had you gained weight, but you were already two full ounces over your birth weight! What a huge relief to hear that you were going to be okay, and I started to feel less angry about the formula since that is probably what helped you gain that weight back the most. Then she casually mentioned that she thought she heard a heart murmur though, and that put me back on edge. She did try to reassure me that it was probably nothing, and she may have misheard altogether. I would have bought that, except when we went to visit with your normal pediatrician the next day she also thought she heard a heart murmur, so she scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound on your heart. So scary!

The Next Day

Dear Conrad,

The next morning, we had to wake up early for a visit with a pediatrician. Your daddy and I were pretty exhausted from the night before (I think I only slept for two solid hours.) This doctor that we would see wasn't your normal doctor - your doctor was out of town, but since you were losing so much weight and you were so yellow, she wanted someone to see you. So we went, in our exhausted and frazzled state.

Of course, even though your doctor promised that she'd make the appointment for us, something happened and the pediatric office wasn't expecting us. The young receptionist wasn't making things any easier, giving me dirty looks whenever I got confused by what she was asking. I did not look forward to dealing with her for subsequent visits.

The doctor was an older woman, and very plainly told me that I wasn't giving you enough nourishment since you were so much smaller now than you were. She insisted that we supplement our nursing sessions with formula, and I cried a little. She might as well have just told me I was already a failure as a mother. I reluctantly let your dad give you another bottle of formula from the hospital - I never gave you those myself, because that felt like I was betraying myself. They also made you get some blood drawn after the appointment, but you know what? You didn't cry at all when they stuck those needles in your tiny feet. My brave boy.

Poppy and Gigi came by one last time to see you after the appointment. Your dad hurried off to his brass quintet rehearsal, so I let them watch you while I rested for an hour. Then they had to go. Your daddy still wasn't back, and I was about to be alone with you. I couldn't help but start crying again. Not only was I going to be alone with you, who I was a little afraid of at this point, but my parents were leaving and I felt like it would be a long time before I saw them again.

Baby blues are a strange thing, my boy. They make you think ridiculous things sometimes. I want you to understand while reading this that I do love you, and I did love you then too, even though my emotions were trying their hardest to get the best of me. Becoming your mother was really tough initially, but so very worth it.

The First Night

Dear Conrad,

We brought you home on a blustery Friday evening. Poppy and Gigi took turns holding you while your dad and I got readjusted to being in the apartment again. We watched the Cardinals get stomped by the Giants (boo!) and your dad and Poppy went out to get dinner for us at Which 'Wich.

I remember being so nervous once they left. We had this old cradle that used to be your dad's and your aunt Amanda's before him. It was a little rickety, the bars were more than 2 3/8" apart, and I ended up making a "mattress" for it since it had weird dimensions and at the time we didn't have an extra $100 to put toward a custom mattress. You did not like sleeping in that cradle. I don't blame you. I hated putting you in it.

We put you down for the night and tried to get some sleep ourselves, but you were awake again in 15 minutes. I tried to nurse you back to sleep. You wouldn't have it. We changed your diaper and tried to nurse you again, but you wouldn't nurse. We swaddled you, but you continued to fight. We knew you were hungry, but you just wouldn't eat. Already we started having these thoughts of "why won't you stop crying?!" and they scared us. We didn't want to be frustrated with you, but we were.

Finally, your dad went and got one of the bottles of formula that the nurse sent home with us. I remember being so mad at her for making us take them home. I can do this myself, I thought. How dare she try to sabotage my plans to exclusively breastfeed my child? I don't know why you wouldn't nurse that night, but you happily gulped down that bottle. I cried. "He hates me," I said to your daddy. He tried to tell me that you didn't, but I wasn't listening.

Looking back, I know I was feeling some of the baby blues that new moms are always talking about. I do feel guilty for having those thoughts now. You weren't trying to be malicious or anything, but my hormones made me think you were. This might be making you uncomfortable, but I think you need to hear it in case you ever become a dad and your wife is just flipping out about something. Birth does crazy things to us ladies. Beautiful, crazy things.

The Remainder of Our Hospital Stay

Dear Conrad,

We spent a large part of your first week in the hospital, due to the fact that you were born via c-section. That first night with you was a mess of emotions for both your dad and me. With all the reading and preparing we tried to do, we still weren't ready for what being parents would be like! (For instance, when you had your first dirty diaper, your dad and I looked at each other and said, "Do you know how to do this?")

I made this pumpkin garland just for your hospital bassinet.

Even though we got help taking care of you, we just didn't sleep well in the hospital. We were so tired all the time. I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to handle those sleepless nights.

At first, nursing you was easy. I thought I was going to be one of those lucky moms who didn't have any problems breastfeeding - one of those moms everyone else was jealous of. But the longer we were in the hospital, the harder it got. To be honest, I'm not sure how much nourishment you were getting originally. I have since read that it takes longer for milk to come in after a cesarean than it does after a regular delivery. You got so jaundiced, and lost so much weight. By the time you left the hospital, you weighed 5 pounds 13 ounces - a 10-ounce loss from your birth weight.

The wreath that Gigi and I made for your baby shower hung on our hospital room door.

Because we were so tired of being the hospital, by Friday we were practically begging the nurse to discharge us. I'd gotten the okay from Dr. Franken. We'd packed everything up. Why can't we leave yet? Eventually they let us go at 4:00 pm, but then had to call us and ask us to come back to the hospital because they never retested your hearing. See, you didn't pass your hearing test the first time, which is pretty common for c-section babies. Lots of fluid stays in the ears after that surgery. The hospital's policy is to test three times, and for some reason, they never bothered to do the second or third test (even though we were there for days.) However, they were very kind to schedule a hearing appointment for you with their specialist, and paid for it as well.

I should have counted my blessings while we were in the hospital, though, because things got a lot tougher when we took you home....