Moving On

Dear Conrad,

From February 16th to March 16th was a very stressful time in your life. Daddy's big Master's recital was rapidly approaching. The weather was making up for the lack of snow in December and January by overdoing it in February and the beginning of March. Then jobs for the next school year started popping up, and we had to jump on those quickly.

As much as I loved (and still love) Columbia, we were ready to be back home in Arkansas. We had a lot of big ideas about where we were going to settle down and where you would be raised.

Several months later, I can now say that none of it turned out like what we thought it should, but we are satisfied with how it did turn out.

My Favorite Photo: 4th Month

Dear Conrad,

This picture isn't really anything special. It's a little blurry, and a bit yellow. It was taken at the Applebee's in Columbia after we had come back from Arkansas. But it's special to me.

Whenever we went out to eat when you were this small, Daddy would take you out and hold you. You always liked sitting at the table with us. If we tried to keep you in your car seat, you would start to cry because you wanted to be part of whatever we were doing. While we were holding you, you would just take in everything. You never cried when we were eating out when you were this small (unless you were hungry, but we were always prepared and were able to stop the crying quickly.)

This picture also reminds me just how much your daddy loves you. Whenever he came home from school, one of the first things he wanted to do was hold you. You were his special little buddy.

We Love You, Conrad

Dear Conrad,

We came back to Missouri from Arkansas in January, but only for a few days before we rushed back to our family and friends. It was extremely cold in Columbia. Your daddy had been practicing at the university to get ready for his recital, and as we were leaving we ran into one of his friends who was getting his master's in choral conducting. He was one of those guys who is totally into choir music literature and Broadway literature. When we introduced him to you, he said, "Oh, like Conrad Birdie?" Neither of us had seen Bye Bye Birdie, so he told us "There's this little song that the chorus sings, and it goes something like ... oh, how does it go ... 'We love you Conrad, oh yes we do, we don't ... hmm ... something something, when you're not with us, we're blue, oh Conrad we love you.'"

When we got back home I looked on YouTube to find the song so I could learn it. Unfortunately, the only ones online are from high school performances, so the audio quality isn't that great, but at the time it was enough to teach your dad and me the melody. We ended up changing one of the lines on accident, but we think it sounds better our way.

We love you Conrad, oh yes we do,
We don't love anyone as much as you,
When you're not with us, we're blue,
Oh Conrad we love you.

And that's been your song ever since.

My Favorite Photo: 3rd Month

Dear Conrad,

I have two photos for you this time.

The first one is of you and Jeff. It was taken just before we went back to Columbia after the Thanksgiving festivities. He still loves holding you and playing with you, and as you've gotten older he's become less afraid that he's going to break you. You guys look so sweet together. I hope he continues to be a part of your life, because he's a fantastic role model.

The second one is with you and your mustache pacifier. It was a Christmas present from Aunt Ginny. It was my absolute favorite pacifier because it made you look like a tiny little gentleman. Plus, mustaches are cool.

Something I Hope I Never Deal With

Dear Conrad,

When you're older, you're going to become more aware of what kind of evils are in the world. Someday you'll learn about Jonesboro and Columbine ... and now Newtown.

It was hard not to look away from the television while things were breaking (and a lot of it was bad information for the first few hours.) Many people cared more about the newest update than about the grieving community, which is just our nature I suppose. In the time that followed, everyone screamed at each other over whether or not we should have guns. We were mad - more mad than usual. And we should have been angry, because the deaths of 20 innocent children is something worth being angry for, but we were angry at the wrong things. Angry at our neighbors who owned guns. Angry at our neighbors who didn't own guns. That kind of anger doesn't fix anything.

We hugged our babies extra tight that night and in the nights that followed. Christmas was a little over a week away, and it felt like we had been robbed of the joy of the season. It was hard to think about your own celebrations when the television kept reminding you that there were families who would be having funerals instead of having Christmas dinner.

What bothers me most is that we will never truly know why Adam Lanza did what he did. What possessed him to go to the school and wreak such havoc on his community? Sometimes I hope that, when I die, I gain the answers to these unanswerable questions.

Other times I'm sure I don't really want to know the answers at all.

The Holiday Hustle and Bustle

Dear Conrad,

Christmas is such a busy time, so the time between your second and third month of life is like one big blur.

Taking care of you was really difficult during this time because suddenly my back revolted against me. When I would bend over to pick you up (and especially when I bent over to put you in your cradle) I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't cry out in pain. It was awful ... like being in labor all over again, but the pain was constant instead of wave-like.

You were a such a serious newborn. The few times we had seen Ryker he was all smiles (when he wasn't crying) which made you look extra-surly, but you started giving us little grins from time to time by this point.

We gave you the unfortunate-but-hilarious nickname of "Toots McGee" around this time. You were pretty gassy to begin with, but particularly when you'd stretch you'd pass gas loudly. That'll probably clear up ... eventually.

A Brassy Christmas

Dear Conrad,

Your first concert was a Christmas concert put on by the various brass ensembles of Mizzou.

The  uniform for the event was an "ugly Christmas sweater" and slacks. I created ugly sweaters for both of the Christmas concerts your dad performed in while he was getting his master's. This is was 2012's looked like:

He was always so proud of his ugly sweaters.

Of course, I gave you mismatched socks for the event. It was only fitting.

You sat through the entire concert so patiently. You were such a quiet newborn. And still pretty tiny too.

I miss the beautiful churches that were in Columbia. Someday, when you can remember them, I hope I can bring you back to this wonderful city. It was the best place I ever lived.

My Favorite Photo: 2nd Month

Dear Conrad,

This photo was taken at Poppy and Gigi's house during our Thanksgiving time there. Because you hated sleeping in your cradle at home and the Pack 'n Plays that your grandmothers had, you slept in bed with us for the first two months of your life. It wasn't until Christmas when you got a cradle from Poppy and Gigi that you liked to sleep in that we stopped putting you to bed with us. While I'm glad you finally got your own sleeping space and Daddy and I got our bed back, I did miss having you next to me. In fact, when you'd wake up in the mornings for a diaper change and breakfast, usually I just fed you in bed and we'd fall back to sleep together ... just like old times.

We Give Thanks

Dear Conrad,

In very little time, you were a month old and Thanksgiving was upon us. We drove all the way from Columbia, Missouri, to our families in Russellville, Arkansas, for the first time since you were born. We were worried about the challenges of driving with a newborn, especially since the trip home was over 300 miles!

November 16th, 2012

We stopped at Arby's in a town called Lebanon on the way there. Your daddy has such a young-looking face in this photo ... maybe because of all the hair on his head. I wonder if you'll have as much hair as he does or if you'll be bald like your Poppy.

Thanksgiving was much busier than I could have ever expected. Nana and Papa normally make a full Thanksgiving meal, but this year your uncle Howard's family came to visit immediately following dinner so they could see your cousin Ryker. It was a pretty rushed event.

Hoo boy, did I over-process this photo or what?
Ryker (7 weeks) and you (5 weeks)

Normally, Poppy and Gigi don't really have a Thanksgiving meal; we normally just have a regular, but nice, dinner with your aunt and uncle and cousins. We still wanted to make sure that everyone got an equal amount of visiting time, so we were bouncing back and forth between houses a lot.

Your uncle Howard was sick during Thanksgiving. Even though he didn't handle you, he interacted with everyone else and his own baby, so you ended up receiving it from someone. Your daddy caught it too, though he was sick longer than you were. I think you only coughed and had a runny nose for three days, whereas Daddy was sick for the entire week after we came home from Thanksgiving. I ended up catching it the next week. I was so mad at Howard for being around when he was under the weather, but what can you do? I probably would have still come down and seen everyone if I were the one who was sick. At least you weren't sick for very long, and it didn't seem to hit you as bad as it did us.

My Favorite Photo: 1st Month

Dear Conrad,

This photo was taken on October 29th. You must have had a doctor's appointment because I tagged the original with height and weight measurements. I was playing on my phone in bed while trying to get you to sleep, and suddenly, you just closed your eyes and went to sleep. My beautiful boy.

Your First Movies

Dear Conrad,

Your daddy and I love going to the movie theater, so when you were born we knew we were going to have to really think about what we were going to see and when we were going to see it. Not long after you were born, Wreck-It Ralph opened in the theaters. We had been looking forward to it for months, so we started reading about ways to take care of you so that you could come to the theater with us.

We saw a matinee of it on Saturday of its opening weekend. You were already asleep by the time we got to the theater, but we were still prepared with a bottle and sling in case we needed to take you out of the theater at any point. You slept soundly through the entire movie though! We breathed a sigh of relief.

Also, because your mom is a big dork, we dressed up like the main characters.

You were such a tiny Felix!

Not long after, we decided to take you with us to see Argo. You didn't sleep quite as well during that one, even though it was a bit quieter than Wreck-It Ralph. However, we fed you and your dad snuggled with you during the movie and you fell back to sleep. It was really sweet. To this day, your daddy still loves holding you close. He's a real dynamite guy.

Your First Halloween

Dear Conrad,

Well sweet boy, normally I adore Halloween. I spend months thinking about and putting together costumes. I drool over Halloween decorations, even though I usually don't end up buying any and therefore have never decorated my own house for the season.

I entertained the idea of your dad and I dressing up as a white mage (me) and a black mage (him) for Halloween, and putting together a baby red mage costume for you. But then I didn't get around to it before you were born. After you were born, I was too tired to do more than sleep, eat, and watch TV while I fed you (again.) So for your first Halloween, there were no costumes or decorations or Trick-or-Treating.

And that's totally okay.

At least you had some rocking orange socks that looked like high tops.

Sweet Heart

Dear Conrad,

We got a call from the hospital that we had been discharged before your hearing tests had been completed. Because you were born via cesarean, you had a lot of fluid in your ears, so you failed your first test. You were supposed to be given two more, but for whatever reason, you didn't get them. Fortunately, the hospital offered to schedule and pay for a hearing test at their facility, so it all worked out. They even sent us some apology gift cards to Applebee's, which was so kind of them.

At your next pediatrician's appointment, you were hardly jaundiced at all, so we were relieved that you were bouncing back so well. Dr. Weidt thought she heard your heart murmur too, so I told her about the nurse that had been sent out by our insurance and how she thought she heard one too. She immediately scheduled a visit with a heart specialist, and even got it to coincide with our hearing test.

The day of the tests came, and your daddy and I were both really nervous that we would get bad news. It took us forever to find the hearing specialist's office, but we ran into a doctor who showed us where to go. She walked us through some of the procedure, like how they can tell if a baby's hearing is working since babies can't verbally tell you that they can hear things. It was really fascinating. The first time she ran the test, you failed again, and your dad and I stiffened. Since we are both musicians, we were afraid that there was going to be a huge part of our lives that we couldn't share with you. The doctor then switched out the tips on her little machine, saying that they might have been too big and were giving her a false reading. After that, you passed with flying colors. Thank goodness.

We made our way down to wear another doctor was going to ultrasound your heart. My best friend Jeff sent me a reassuring message that he had a heart murmur as a baby and grew out of it, so we hoped that if you did have a murmur that it would be something minor. We watched as the doctor scanned all over your heart, and you flailed your little arms. You weren't uncomfortable or anything, you just couldn't control your limbs yet. In fact, you hardly made any noise at all during the ultrasound. The doctor who was scanning you said that he couldn't see any problems with the heart, but after a hospital in Saint Louis checked it all out we would have a definitive answer.

I just realized that, as of this writing, Saint Louis never did call to tell me whether you had a hole in your heart or not. Ha! I can only assume it was a fluke since Dr. Weidt has checked your heart at every appointment and it has been fine since that first one.

Surprise! Nana's Visit.

Dear Conrad,

After Poppy and Gigi left and your dad came back from rehearsal, there wasn't much time to ourselves before Nana and Papa came to visit you. Nana had a surprise for us: After Papa left the next day, she was going to stay with us for an entire week!

From your first outing (besides leaving the hospital), October 20th, 2012. We were eating at a pub called Flat Branch in Columbia, Missouri, with Nana and Papa. You still look pretty jaundiced here, but it was starting to get better. I knitted the pumpkin hat for you just before you were born.

It was ... awkward, to say the least. I appreciated having her there when, at 7 o'clock in the morning, you had woken for the umpteenth time and I could really, really use an hour of deep sleep before I had to take your dad to class. I was still taking my pain pills from the surgery, and moving was very difficult. However, Nana wasn't able to help me clean the apartment or drive your dad to class (both things I was not supposed to be doing while I was on medication) so I had to continue doing them on my own.

Having Nana there also made it difficult to nurse or pump milk for you, since she could just whip up a bottle of formula for you without bothering anyone. I started to think that everyone was trying to sabotage my nursing efforts, and it made me angry.

One week old here. Boone Hospital (where you were born) provided all the babies with a swaddling wrap. You didn't hate the swaddle like some babies, but you would wriggle in them until you could get an arm loose.
I had just changed you, and you were staring out the window in this picture. You loved seeing and being outdoors as a baby.

The day you turned one week old, a nurse provided by Medicaid came out to see you. She weighed you and performed a basic check-up. I was ecstatic to hear that not only had you gained weight, but you were already two full ounces over your birth weight! What a huge relief to hear that you were going to be okay, and I started to feel less angry about the formula since that is probably what helped you gain that weight back the most. Then she casually mentioned that she thought she heard a heart murmur though, and that put me back on edge. She did try to reassure me that it was probably nothing, and she may have misheard altogether. I would have bought that, except when we went to visit with your normal pediatrician the next day she also thought she heard a heart murmur, so she scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound on your heart. So scary!

The Next Day

Dear Conrad,

The next morning, we had to wake up early for a visit with a pediatrician. Your daddy and I were pretty exhausted from the night before (I think I only slept for two solid hours.) This doctor that we would see wasn't your normal doctor - your doctor was out of town, but since you were losing so much weight and you were so yellow, she wanted someone to see you. So we went, in our exhausted and frazzled state.

Of course, even though your doctor promised that she'd make the appointment for us, something happened and the pediatric office wasn't expecting us. The young receptionist wasn't making things any easier, giving me dirty looks whenever I got confused by what she was asking. I did not look forward to dealing with her for subsequent visits.

The doctor was an older woman, and very plainly told me that I wasn't giving you enough nourishment since you were so much smaller now than you were. She insisted that we supplement our nursing sessions with formula, and I cried a little. She might as well have just told me I was already a failure as a mother. I reluctantly let your dad give you another bottle of formula from the hospital - I never gave you those myself, because that felt like I was betraying myself. They also made you get some blood drawn after the appointment, but you know what? You didn't cry at all when they stuck those needles in your tiny feet. My brave boy.

Poppy and Gigi came by one last time to see you after the appointment. Your dad hurried off to his brass quintet rehearsal, so I let them watch you while I rested for an hour. Then they had to go. Your daddy still wasn't back, and I was about to be alone with you. I couldn't help but start crying again. Not only was I going to be alone with you, who I was a little afraid of at this point, but my parents were leaving and I felt like it would be a long time before I saw them again.

Baby blues are a strange thing, my boy. They make you think ridiculous things sometimes. I want you to understand while reading this that I do love you, and I did love you then too, even though my emotions were trying their hardest to get the best of me. Becoming your mother was really tough initially, but so very worth it.

The First Night

Dear Conrad,

We brought you home on a blustery Friday evening. Poppy and Gigi took turns holding you while your dad and I got readjusted to being in the apartment again. We watched the Cardinals get stomped by the Giants (boo!) and your dad and Poppy went out to get dinner for us at Which 'Wich.

I remember being so nervous once they left. We had this old cradle that used to be your dad's and your aunt Amanda's before him. It was a little rickety, the bars were more than 2 3/8" apart, and I ended up making a "mattress" for it since it had weird dimensions and at the time we didn't have an extra $100 to put toward a custom mattress. You did not like sleeping in that cradle. I don't blame you. I hated putting you in it.

We put you down for the night and tried to get some sleep ourselves, but you were awake again in 15 minutes. I tried to nurse you back to sleep. You wouldn't have it. We changed your diaper and tried to nurse you again, but you wouldn't nurse. We swaddled you, but you continued to fight. We knew you were hungry, but you just wouldn't eat. Already we started having these thoughts of "why won't you stop crying?!" and they scared us. We didn't want to be frustrated with you, but we were.

Finally, your dad went and got one of the bottles of formula that the nurse sent home with us. I remember being so mad at her for making us take them home. I can do this myself, I thought. How dare she try to sabotage my plans to exclusively breastfeed my child? I don't know why you wouldn't nurse that night, but you happily gulped down that bottle. I cried. "He hates me," I said to your daddy. He tried to tell me that you didn't, but I wasn't listening.

Looking back, I know I was feeling some of the baby blues that new moms are always talking about. I do feel guilty for having those thoughts now. You weren't trying to be malicious or anything, but my hormones made me think you were. This might be making you uncomfortable, but I think you need to hear it in case you ever become a dad and your wife is just flipping out about something. Birth does crazy things to us ladies. Beautiful, crazy things.

The Remainder of Our Hospital Stay

Dear Conrad,

We spent a large part of your first week in the hospital, due to the fact that you were born via c-section. That first night with you was a mess of emotions for both your dad and me. With all the reading and preparing we tried to do, we still weren't ready for what being parents would be like! (For instance, when you had your first dirty diaper, your dad and I looked at each other and said, "Do you know how to do this?")

I made this pumpkin garland just for your hospital bassinet.

Even though we got help taking care of you, we just didn't sleep well in the hospital. We were so tired all the time. I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to handle those sleepless nights.

At first, nursing you was easy. I thought I was going to be one of those lucky moms who didn't have any problems breastfeeding - one of those moms everyone else was jealous of. But the longer we were in the hospital, the harder it got. To be honest, I'm not sure how much nourishment you were getting originally. I have since read that it takes longer for milk to come in after a cesarean than it does after a regular delivery. You got so jaundiced, and lost so much weight. By the time you left the hospital, you weighed 5 pounds 13 ounces - a 10-ounce loss from your birth weight.

The wreath that Gigi and I made for your baby shower hung on our hospital room door.

Because we were so tired of being the hospital, by Friday we were practically begging the nurse to discharge us. I'd gotten the okay from Dr. Franken. We'd packed everything up. Why can't we leave yet? Eventually they let us go at 4:00 pm, but then had to call us and ask us to come back to the hospital because they never retested your hearing. See, you didn't pass your hearing test the first time, which is pretty common for c-section babies. Lots of fluid stays in the ears after that surgery. The hospital's policy is to test three times, and for some reason, they never bothered to do the second or third test (even though we were there for days.) However, they were very kind to schedule a hearing appointment for you with their specialist, and paid for it as well.

I should have counted my blessings while we were in the hospital, though, because things got a lot tougher when we took you home....

Birth, part 3: Delivery

Dear Conrad,

The actual cesarean was a nerve-wracking experience. There was a new anesthesiologist there, this time a man, who gave me a different type of drug through my epidural for the surgery. He was very charming. He explained the procedure and how I might react to certain things - for instance, that I would probably feel nauseated from the medicine that was given to me. I blew it off at first, thinking I was made of tougher stuff. But then when I was actually in the operating room, I began to feel it. Even though I had been given some anti-nausea drugs, I was going to need more. Fortunately, the second dose took care of it.

I had heard that some people start shaking when they are given the anesthesia for a c-section, but once again, I thought I wouldn't be one of those people. Oh how very wrong I was. I shook so violently that I thought I would shake myself right off the table if I hadn't been tied down to it. Dr. Franken assured me that I wasn't shaking from the waist down, and I couldn't tell anyway since I had no feeling from that point down, but my arms and my upper back were shivering, and even my teeth chattered.

This was the first time I actually got scared while I was in the hospital. I'd been through quite the ordeal in my little hospital room, but being under the bright lights with not being able to control my body and feeling nauseated on top of everything made me scared.

Dr. Franken began the procedure. I couldn't feel the incision, but I did feel something that felt like I was being punched over and over again. A few groans escaped me and Dr. Franken halted the procedure. "No, no, I can't feel the cutting. I just feel like I'm getting punched a lot." The people in the operating room laughed, and I tried to keep my mouth closed. After all, it wasn't the worst pain I had been in today.

Finally I heard the doctor say, "Alright! It's a boy!" and then "It's okay, not all c-section babies cry at first." I was so focused on not shaking that it didn't occur to me to freak out that you weren't crying. But then I heard you whine a few times, and I felt relieved. You were probably just surprised to be forcefully evicted from your comfy home. Mark went over to take pictures of you while I was being stitched up. Soon you were brought over to me, but I had lost the feeling in my arms so I couldn't reach out and touch you. I just stared. Was he really mine? No way....

And so at 8:21 on Tuesday night, you arrived into the world. At 6 pounds 7 ounces, and 19 inches long, you were absolutely, positively perfect.

Birth, part 2

Dear Conrad,

The morning of the 16th got off to an early start, just like the previous morning. I didn't sleep much the night before because the nurse kept coming in to wake me up and readjust my monitors. No changes happened over night. Oxytocin was administered again.

When Dr. Franken came in later that morning, she announced that I was barely a fingertip dilated. How exciting! Except at the same time, it wasn't. I had been in the hospital for 36 hours by now, and I had a feeling that the only way you were coming out was if we took you out by force. She tried using something called a Foley bulb to force dilation, but something went wrong and efforts were immediately withdrawn.

I felt the beginning of contractions in my back, but the older nurse that day kept telling me that they weren't real contractions since I couldn't feel them all the way around my abdomen. I would like to say that all the other nurses I had during the labor part of our stay were fantastic, but this particular nurse kept telling me I shouldn't be in pain during times when I so obviously was. There was a younger nurse with us that day too, and she tried her hardest to make me feel better when I was hurting, but no one could get the older nurse to give me pain relievers.

Oxytocin was turned off after the Foley bulb incident as well because I started contracting on my own, but within an hour or two it needed to be turned back on because I stopped contracting on my own. Because of the problem with the Foley bulb, I was given c-section and epidural forms to sign, just in case you went into fetal distress and I needed to have an emergency cesarean.

Around 1 o'clock, Dr. Franken returned to break my water. I was also given something that would monitor just how strong my contractions actually were. Soon, they started to hurt A LOT. It's weird now that I'm so far removed from them, because I don't remember them hurting as badly as they really did. I got to where it was difficult to talk through contractions. The nurse asked me how bad my pain was. "Eight? Nine? I don't know, but this hurts. Can't I have something?" She asked me where I was hurting. "My back! Ohhhh my back!" No, I couldn't have any pain relievers, because I should be feeling contractions all the way around my abdomen. This was when Gigi and Aunt Christy spoke up and said that they never felt contractions all the way around either, and that we all feel labor pains in our backs. The nurse stood firm. No pain relief now because my body would get used to it and it wouldn't work when it was time to deliver you. They tried to place me in different positions to alleviate the pain in my back. I leaned over the bed, I got down on my hands and knees, and I bounced on a giant ball, but nothing helped.

Soon, I couldn't do anything except cry during contractions. I tried to breathe, but couldn't. I tried to focus on something pleasant, but couldn't. All I knew was excruciating pain. "Where would you rate your pain level?" the nurse asked. I cried. "Breathe! Don't cry!" she said in a less-than-encouraging voice. I cried anyway. Contractions hurt, Conrad. Don't ever think for one minute that you've had pain like this, because there really isn't anything like the continuous pain of contractions.

Aunt Christy left soon after this part to get back home. She homeschooled your cousins from Kindergarten all the way through graduation, and took it very seriously too. She didn't like to miss days and get behind. I hate that she saw me when I was in so much pain, especially because she tried so hard to fix it.

Just before 4 o'clock, I was finally allowed an epidural. The doctor who administered it was funny, which took my mind off of everything between contractions. Your dad was in the room, but he got pushed out of the way by the younger nurse and the intern nurse, whose hands I was supposed to squeeze if the epidural started hurting. I learned I have a small spin from the doctor, who had trouble giving me the epidural without making my right leg feel like it was on fire. I think on the third try she finally got it in the right place, and it was amazing how immediate the relief was. I felt amazing, but also dizzy from the anesthetics. I apparently said some goofy things during this time.

An hour after the anesthesiologist arrived, Dr. Franken arrived to check on our progress. Strangely enough, it was minimal. 75% effaced and 3 centimeters dilated. I couldn't believe my contractions had hurt so badly when I wasn't even close to delivering you. I was discouraged, but since I was no longer in pain, I was able to sleep heavily for the first time since I arrived. I hoped that the next time I was checked, it would be about time to push.

Around 8 o'clock, Dr. Franken came back. She had been watching the monitors of your heart and my contractions out in the nurses station, and your heartbeat was in a dangerous range. At this point I was only 4 centimeters dilated. We agreed that a c-section was in everyone's best interest. Your daddy was given clothes to wear in the operating room and off we went.

Birth, part 1

Dear Conrad,

We checked into the hospital on Sunday, October 14th at 6pm, where I was promptly given labor inducing medication. Poppy and Gigi came to the hospital to visit, and so did your aunt Christy. I was pretty boring company, though, because I was watching the National League Championships (go Cardinals!) whenever they were on.

Over night, nothing happened. I slept poorly in the hospital bed, and was pretty hungry because I couldn't eat after I was given Cervadil. I wasn't too upset, though, because I just knew what they were doing wasn't working. So early in the morning on the 15th, they tried Oxytocin. I had a few contractions but again, wasn't too surprised to hear by 6 o'clock that night that I still had made no progress. It's weird how in-tune to my body I felt at the time, because no matter how hopeful I felt that I would be seeing you soon, I just knew that you weren't ready to come out yet, and these medical interventions would not change your mind.

So at 6pm, I was unhooked from the machines and the medicines had all worn off, and I was allowed to eat a real meal for the first time in over 24 hours. It was amazing, but unfortunately, I was only given 45 minutes to myself before they hooked me back up again. If I had known that, I would have eaten faster and taken a shower. At 15 minutes til 7, I reluctantly got back in bed and was given a new drug, Cytotec, which I hoped would bring the change needed but in the back of my mind, I still knew that it wasn't your time.

This is probably for the best, though. Your cousin Jadon was already a little jealous that his mom missed his 16th birthday to be with us for what we believed would be your birthday. Now he still has his own special day, and you have yours.

Third Trimester

Dear Conrad,

With the exception of the two showers, 3rd tri was pretty uneventful for the most part. Around 32 weeks I thought you started dropping, but in actuality it was probably just a combination of normal pregnancy pressure and trying to walk 5 miles while carrying you. I quit working nights in August so they could have time to find someone else to fill my spot at campus security.

Things started to get kind of scary near the end, though. On October 5th, the night your cousin Ryker was born, I realized that I hadn't felt you move since that morning. I drank lots of sugary juices and waited. Two hours passed and you kicked maybe once in that whole time. That's very bad. At midnight that night, Daddy and I went to the hospital so I could be hooked up to their monitors. Your heartbeat was fantastic, but you still weren't moving.

The last four weeks of pregnancy went like this for me. I went in to the clinic for non-stress tests all the time because you just wouldn't kick. Your heartbeat was progressively slower at each prenatal appointment. I spent so much time afraid that I was going to carry you for nine months and not get to take you home. Finally, during my appointment at 38 weeks, Dr. Franken had the sonographer squeeze me in for a quick scan. Your heartbeat was strong, as usual, if a little on the slow side. The sonographer wanted to get you to move a little, so she took this buzzer and applied it to my stomach. The buzzer was supposed to startle you into kicking. All it did was make you open your eyes blearily, and then close them again. Afterward I had to do another stress test, and they gave me lots of cold water to try to get you moving again (but of course, you didn't.)

This prompted Dr. Franken to schedule an induction for Sunday, October 14th at 6pm. I was really nervous, but at the same time so excited that I was going to finally hold you, and so relieved that I didn't have to worry about your lack of movement anymore.



PS
The song "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers was really popular during the last few weeks of pregnancy, and I sang the chorus to you a lot. "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart...."

Diapers, Diapers Everywhere

Dear Conrad,

You know while I was pregnant with you, your daddy was working on his master's in music to become a better horn player and teacher. While we may have butted heads with his private instructor, Dr. Spence, she had her moments when she was really thoughtful and kind.

On October 1st, she planned a surprise shower for us with the rest of the horn studio. Back in September, she asked me what was something that I needed before you arrived, and I said, "more diapers, and not newborn-sized ones." We got a huge amount of diapers, mostly size 2, which was a huge help when you were born. In fact, we may have to exchange some of the 2s for 3s - I'm not kidding when I say we got a LOT of size 2 diapers!

The diaper shower also included a game where Daddy had to sample a bunch of baby foods and guess what they were, and when he got one then Dr. Spence would give me a present to open. You got so many Mizzou-themed baby gifts that day, which you wore with pride.

The shower took place at a pizza place called Shakespeare's. If we ever make it to Columbia, Missouri, when you're older, we're going to take you here. It's such a fun place to eat, and your dad and I have made a lot of memories here.

Baby Shower!

Dear Conrad,

We had a small shower for you at Poppy and Gigi's house on August 11th during our last visit to Arkansas before you were born. A friend of mine from college, Charity, hosted it. I wish I had a picture of the invitations, because they were very geeky, just like your mom and dad. If I remember correctly, they featured a pregnant Princess Daisy, which probably looked something like this:

I know, son. Your momma is a little weird.

You got lots of clothes at the baby shower, and I was worried about you not being able to wear all of them, but you ended up being a smaller baby so the outfits got plenty of wear before you grew out of them. People also gave us a few things from our registry, like a Bumbo from Gigi's friend Renae, a baby-to-toddler rocking chair from Aunt Christy, and the stroller/carseat combo from Poppy and Gigi. A few people gave us diapers, but I have learned that once you become a mom, you never have enough diapers.

Gigi and I put together this wreath for the shower. It also came to the hospital with us.

Cake! The table was decorated with a quilt from Nana, plus clothes that Poppy and Gigi and I had already bought for you.

Diaper cake!

A blurry photo of your great-grandmother, Grandmary.

Aunt Christy. This shower taught me that neither Gigi nor Nana can be expected to take all the pictures unless I'm okay with them being dark and/or blurry, haha.

Friend Kara, left, and shower host Charity.

Gigi's friend Renae, left, and the only picture of friend Eve.

Nana.

August is also your momma's birthday (don't forget that, okay?) and we hit 31 weeks on my 26th birthday. Your daddy snapped a picture of us:

Working night shift made for a very pale summer.