Birth, part 2

Dear Conrad,

The morning of the 16th got off to an early start, just like the previous morning. I didn't sleep much the night before because the nurse kept coming in to wake me up and readjust my monitors. No changes happened over night. Oxytocin was administered again.

When Dr. Franken came in later that morning, she announced that I was barely a fingertip dilated. How exciting! Except at the same time, it wasn't. I had been in the hospital for 36 hours by now, and I had a feeling that the only way you were coming out was if we took you out by force. She tried using something called a Foley bulb to force dilation, but something went wrong and efforts were immediately withdrawn.

I felt the beginning of contractions in my back, but the older nurse that day kept telling me that they weren't real contractions since I couldn't feel them all the way around my abdomen. I would like to say that all the other nurses I had during the labor part of our stay were fantastic, but this particular nurse kept telling me I shouldn't be in pain during times when I so obviously was. There was a younger nurse with us that day too, and she tried her hardest to make me feel better when I was hurting, but no one could get the older nurse to give me pain relievers.

Oxytocin was turned off after the Foley bulb incident as well because I started contracting on my own, but within an hour or two it needed to be turned back on because I stopped contracting on my own. Because of the problem with the Foley bulb, I was given c-section and epidural forms to sign, just in case you went into fetal distress and I needed to have an emergency cesarean.

Around 1 o'clock, Dr. Franken returned to break my water. I was also given something that would monitor just how strong my contractions actually were. Soon, they started to hurt A LOT. It's weird now that I'm so far removed from them, because I don't remember them hurting as badly as they really did. I got to where it was difficult to talk through contractions. The nurse asked me how bad my pain was. "Eight? Nine? I don't know, but this hurts. Can't I have something?" She asked me where I was hurting. "My back! Ohhhh my back!" No, I couldn't have any pain relievers, because I should be feeling contractions all the way around my abdomen. This was when Gigi and Aunt Christy spoke up and said that they never felt contractions all the way around either, and that we all feel labor pains in our backs. The nurse stood firm. No pain relief now because my body would get used to it and it wouldn't work when it was time to deliver you. They tried to place me in different positions to alleviate the pain in my back. I leaned over the bed, I got down on my hands and knees, and I bounced on a giant ball, but nothing helped.

Soon, I couldn't do anything except cry during contractions. I tried to breathe, but couldn't. I tried to focus on something pleasant, but couldn't. All I knew was excruciating pain. "Where would you rate your pain level?" the nurse asked. I cried. "Breathe! Don't cry!" she said in a less-than-encouraging voice. I cried anyway. Contractions hurt, Conrad. Don't ever think for one minute that you've had pain like this, because there really isn't anything like the continuous pain of contractions.

Aunt Christy left soon after this part to get back home. She homeschooled your cousins from Kindergarten all the way through graduation, and took it very seriously too. She didn't like to miss days and get behind. I hate that she saw me when I was in so much pain, especially because she tried so hard to fix it.

Just before 4 o'clock, I was finally allowed an epidural. The doctor who administered it was funny, which took my mind off of everything between contractions. Your dad was in the room, but he got pushed out of the way by the younger nurse and the intern nurse, whose hands I was supposed to squeeze if the epidural started hurting. I learned I have a small spin from the doctor, who had trouble giving me the epidural without making my right leg feel like it was on fire. I think on the third try she finally got it in the right place, and it was amazing how immediate the relief was. I felt amazing, but also dizzy from the anesthetics. I apparently said some goofy things during this time.

An hour after the anesthesiologist arrived, Dr. Franken arrived to check on our progress. Strangely enough, it was minimal. 75% effaced and 3 centimeters dilated. I couldn't believe my contractions had hurt so badly when I wasn't even close to delivering you. I was discouraged, but since I was no longer in pain, I was able to sleep heavily for the first time since I arrived. I hoped that the next time I was checked, it would be about time to push.

Around 8 o'clock, Dr. Franken came back. She had been watching the monitors of your heart and my contractions out in the nurses station, and your heartbeat was in a dangerous range. At this point I was only 4 centimeters dilated. We agreed that a c-section was in everyone's best interest. Your daddy was given clothes to wear in the operating room and off we went.

Birth, part 1

Dear Conrad,

We checked into the hospital on Sunday, October 14th at 6pm, where I was promptly given labor inducing medication. Poppy and Gigi came to the hospital to visit, and so did your aunt Christy. I was pretty boring company, though, because I was watching the National League Championships (go Cardinals!) whenever they were on.

Over night, nothing happened. I slept poorly in the hospital bed, and was pretty hungry because I couldn't eat after I was given Cervadil. I wasn't too upset, though, because I just knew what they were doing wasn't working. So early in the morning on the 15th, they tried Oxytocin. I had a few contractions but again, wasn't too surprised to hear by 6 o'clock that night that I still had made no progress. It's weird how in-tune to my body I felt at the time, because no matter how hopeful I felt that I would be seeing you soon, I just knew that you weren't ready to come out yet, and these medical interventions would not change your mind.

So at 6pm, I was unhooked from the machines and the medicines had all worn off, and I was allowed to eat a real meal for the first time in over 24 hours. It was amazing, but unfortunately, I was only given 45 minutes to myself before they hooked me back up again. If I had known that, I would have eaten faster and taken a shower. At 15 minutes til 7, I reluctantly got back in bed and was given a new drug, Cytotec, which I hoped would bring the change needed but in the back of my mind, I still knew that it wasn't your time.

This is probably for the best, though. Your cousin Jadon was already a little jealous that his mom missed his 16th birthday to be with us for what we believed would be your birthday. Now he still has his own special day, and you have yours.

Third Trimester

Dear Conrad,

With the exception of the two showers, 3rd tri was pretty uneventful for the most part. Around 32 weeks I thought you started dropping, but in actuality it was probably just a combination of normal pregnancy pressure and trying to walk 5 miles while carrying you. I quit working nights in August so they could have time to find someone else to fill my spot at campus security.

Things started to get kind of scary near the end, though. On October 5th, the night your cousin Ryker was born, I realized that I hadn't felt you move since that morning. I drank lots of sugary juices and waited. Two hours passed and you kicked maybe once in that whole time. That's very bad. At midnight that night, Daddy and I went to the hospital so I could be hooked up to their monitors. Your heartbeat was fantastic, but you still weren't moving.

The last four weeks of pregnancy went like this for me. I went in to the clinic for non-stress tests all the time because you just wouldn't kick. Your heartbeat was progressively slower at each prenatal appointment. I spent so much time afraid that I was going to carry you for nine months and not get to take you home. Finally, during my appointment at 38 weeks, Dr. Franken had the sonographer squeeze me in for a quick scan. Your heartbeat was strong, as usual, if a little on the slow side. The sonographer wanted to get you to move a little, so she took this buzzer and applied it to my stomach. The buzzer was supposed to startle you into kicking. All it did was make you open your eyes blearily, and then close them again. Afterward I had to do another stress test, and they gave me lots of cold water to try to get you moving again (but of course, you didn't.)

This prompted Dr. Franken to schedule an induction for Sunday, October 14th at 6pm. I was really nervous, but at the same time so excited that I was going to finally hold you, and so relieved that I didn't have to worry about your lack of movement anymore.



PS
The song "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers was really popular during the last few weeks of pregnancy, and I sang the chorus to you a lot. "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart...."

Diapers, Diapers Everywhere

Dear Conrad,

You know while I was pregnant with you, your daddy was working on his master's in music to become a better horn player and teacher. While we may have butted heads with his private instructor, Dr. Spence, she had her moments when she was really thoughtful and kind.

On October 1st, she planned a surprise shower for us with the rest of the horn studio. Back in September, she asked me what was something that I needed before you arrived, and I said, "more diapers, and not newborn-sized ones." We got a huge amount of diapers, mostly size 2, which was a huge help when you were born. In fact, we may have to exchange some of the 2s for 3s - I'm not kidding when I say we got a LOT of size 2 diapers!

The diaper shower also included a game where Daddy had to sample a bunch of baby foods and guess what they were, and when he got one then Dr. Spence would give me a present to open. You got so many Mizzou-themed baby gifts that day, which you wore with pride.

The shower took place at a pizza place called Shakespeare's. If we ever make it to Columbia, Missouri, when you're older, we're going to take you here. It's such a fun place to eat, and your dad and I have made a lot of memories here.

Baby Shower!

Dear Conrad,

We had a small shower for you at Poppy and Gigi's house on August 11th during our last visit to Arkansas before you were born. A friend of mine from college, Charity, hosted it. I wish I had a picture of the invitations, because they were very geeky, just like your mom and dad. If I remember correctly, they featured a pregnant Princess Daisy, which probably looked something like this:

I know, son. Your momma is a little weird.

You got lots of clothes at the baby shower, and I was worried about you not being able to wear all of them, but you ended up being a smaller baby so the outfits got plenty of wear before you grew out of them. People also gave us a few things from our registry, like a Bumbo from Gigi's friend Renae, a baby-to-toddler rocking chair from Aunt Christy, and the stroller/carseat combo from Poppy and Gigi. A few people gave us diapers, but I have learned that once you become a mom, you never have enough diapers.

Gigi and I put together this wreath for the shower. It also came to the hospital with us.

Cake! The table was decorated with a quilt from Nana, plus clothes that Poppy and Gigi and I had already bought for you.

Diaper cake!

A blurry photo of your great-grandmother, Grandmary.

Aunt Christy. This shower taught me that neither Gigi nor Nana can be expected to take all the pictures unless I'm okay with them being dark and/or blurry, haha.

Friend Kara, left, and shower host Charity.

Gigi's friend Renae, left, and the only picture of friend Eve.

Nana.

August is also your momma's birthday (don't forget that, okay?) and we hit 31 weeks on my 26th birthday. Your daddy snapped a picture of us:

Working night shift made for a very pale summer.

Oh, Boy!

Dear Conrad,

I was eagerly counting down the days until June 8th, which was when my appointment was. I had already been working night shift for a month by this point, and earlier in the week I had to drive 300 miles to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding, so by the time that 8:30 am appointment rolled around, I was exhausted.

When the sonographer finally got to the exciting part of the scan, I was nearly asleep. I worried for days afterward that she thought I was disappointed to find out you were a boy, because my reaction was less than enthusiastic due to my exhaustion. Maybe if she had told me that she was about to do the gender portion of the scan, I could have perked up and given the ecstatic response you deserved.

Second Trimester

Dear Conrad,

Second trimester is usually the easiest trimester out of the three, and mine was no exception. The minor stomach discomfort I sometimes felt went away completely, and my tummy was looking perfectly pregnant.

The only bad thing about second tri was that in order for your mommy and daddy to make enough money that summer, we had to take a night job working security for the University of Missouri - where your dad was studying to get his master's in music. It wasn't so bad. We worked four to five nights a week from midnight to 6 am, and walked about 3 miles a night, which was really good for me in retrospect. I learned that staying up late into the wee hours of the morning is completely different from being at work all night.

I hardly took any pictures of myself during pregnancy, which I regret now. I did get this one in the bathroom mirror, however.

I took this on June 19th, so I was 22 weeks and 1 day along here. I had known for 11 days that you were going to be a little Conrad.

Puckering Up

Dear Conrad,

Somewhere near the end of first trimester and through most of second trimester, I had a craving for all things sour. I drank lots of lemonade, ate blackberries and other tart fruits, and craved Sour Skittles and Sour Patch Kids. Normally I can only have a these things in moderation, but I couldn't get enough of them during pregnancy. Some old wives' tales say that should have been a cue to me that you were a boy, but I kept thinking you were going to be a girl. Forgive your mommy; with all her male friends, girls are still what she knows best. I have a lot to learn from you.

First Trimester

Dear Conrad,

The first three months were remarkably uneventful. Once the dizziness passed (around week 10) then I had very little indication that I was pregnant. There were many times that I was afraid I had lost you. In fact, at eight weeks I had some spotting. Frightened, I contacted my doctor's office and made an appointment for the next day. Obviously everything ended up being fine, but it scared me bad enough that I spent the rest of that day in bed.

I had no cravings, and I had no morning sickness, but I did lose my appetite during those early months, and it wasn't until I was in my second trimester that it returned. I did have a superhuman smelling ability; I remember being able to smell an open can of frosting from two (albeit tiny) rooms away. That faded after a week or two, which I suppose is for the best. Smells that were close by were overwhelming, and I might have developed morning sickness if smells stayed amplified.

Something I gave up that I didn't expect to give up was certain video games. Your mommy loved playing games like League of Legends and Team Fortress 2, but as you'll figure out someday, people online are jerks. Your mommy has been online for almost 20 years, and the online community has changed a lot since she was a little girl. Back then, there were three things you weren't supposed to talk about: politics, religion, and the Holocaust. That all changed in the new millennium as the internet became more accessible. Anyway, playing games online with so many rude people was causing my blood pressure to soar near unhealthy levels, so I gave up online gaming for most of the pregnancy ... that is, until Team Fortress 2 released the Mann vs. Machine update.

I counted down the days to second trimester because I was so excited to find out if you were a boy or a girl. We had already picked out names for both genders, and I'm so glad we got to use the name Conrad.

How Others Found Out

Dear Conrad,

Originally, I didn't want anyone else to know about you until I made it to second trimester. I had read so many stories on the internet of new parents who had gotten that positive test, only to find out it was a blighted ovum or a chemical pregnancy, and I was afraid that this would be us. You came to us so easily that I was terrified you would be taken away so easily as well.

I'm terrible at keeping secrets, though, so I hope I never have to plan a surprise party for you. Two days after we found out, I was complaining to my best friend, Jeff, over Facebook about how dizzy, sore, and tired I was. (It's amazing how quickly pregnancy symptoms start showing up after your first positive test.) He jokingly said that I must be pregnant. Now, I realize that I should have just let that go since I hadn't told my parents yet, but I couldn't. I talked to Jeff all the time, and I knew I would end up telling him eventually, so I told him that he was a good guesser and then promptly warned him not to tell anyone.

Because I told someone - or as I prefer to say it, congratulated someone on their powers of deduction - your daddy wanted to tell someone, so Brad was the next person to find out.

Your grandparents found out on the 25th, two days after we saw the little jellybean that was you on the ultrasound. I wanted to be cute and tell both sets of grandparents at the same time, but when your dad and I called, my parents weren't home but his mom was, so Nana and Papa found out first. A few hours later your Poppy and Gigi finally came home and I told them. For some reason, I was worried that they would be angry that we had chosen this time in our lives to get pregnant (your dad was in his second semester of grad school and I had been unsuccessful in finding a steady job.) I shouldn't have worried. They were so excited that there would be a baby that Christmas.

We were so excited after telling your grandparents about you that later that evening we told many more people. Your dad and I have a group of nerdy friends that we talk to regularly, so they found out next. I called Aunt Christy that night and told her too. She was so fun to tell because she actually yelled out in excitement.

The next day we got a call from Nana, who told us that she passed on her good news to Aunt Amanda and that we should expect a call from her sometime that day. We assumed she wanted to call and congratulate us herself, so we were very surprised to learn that she was also expecting a baby! What had us truly gobsmacked was that your cousin's due date was October 19th ... just three days before yours.

How I Told Your Father

Dear Conrad,

Someday, you might be curious to know how I told our father that we were having a baby. At 9:13 am on February 13th, 2012, I sent your father a message over Facebook:

"Don't freak out. I took a pregnancy test this morning. There is a faint second line."

Truth be told, I think he was a little mad about the way I told him. At the very least, I probably should have waited until he came home from class and told him in person. I guess I was getting him back for his very informal marriage proposal, haha. He forgave me soon enough, anyway.

A Year Ago Today

Dear Conrad,

You aren't quite four months old yet, but today marks the day that we found out about you. You were our early Valentine. Your dad and I couldn't believe we had gotten pregnant so quickly. I mean, this was the first month that we had tried to get pregnant. Lots of couples try for months, and some even try for years before they finally get pregnant, so we felt truly blessed.

In a way, though, you were a long time coming. I was ready for you for almost two years before your dad was ready to become ... well, your dad. As you get older, I hope you never think for I moment that I don't want you. Even before you were here, I wanted you. No, I needed you in my life.

Over Christmas, you, me, and your dad stayed up late at Nana and Papa's house to look through old photo albums. I found your daddy's baby book, and wanted to do something similar for you. Thing is, I'm terrible at keeping up with books. Most people are. Baby books just aren't portable, but you know what? With things like smartphone apps, blogs practically are. So I'm writing this blog for you so that, in the future, you can look back on it with your future spouse. You can laugh about something silly that I wrote for you, just like we laughed when Nana wrote that Daddy had a bad temper as a baby. (I mean, your father is very slow to anger, so to hear that he had such a temper was hilarious to us.)

Plus, I'm starting to forget some things, and I don't want to lose these precious memories. Even if you never have an interest in reading these things, I will want to be able to look back on these posts. But I hope you will read them someday.